Dear Myspace,

Today at preschool, Grace told me that I'm so beautiful that she could stare at me all day.
Now that's love. This little girl has told everyone that has ears that she would love it if I was her mom... I don't know why I have that effect on children. It doesn't seem right.

Hearing her say those things again makes me miss the boys I once thought were mine.
Maybe that's why God allowed us to take over Little Blessings, he knew the boys would disappear and that I would need something to do, little people to love. I never had a meltdown like I thought I would when they were gone for good... It was strange. My whole future shifted. It went from way to planned out, to going with whatever I had left. It was a strange shift.
I think I lost part of me when they disappeared. So much of me was put into those relationships, so many tears were shed over that "family" that I once thought I had.
Now, I fear to put any effort into any relationships. Unless I know for sure that it will be lasting. Unless I know they are secure and they aren't planning on dying and leaving me anytime soon.
I like being told they are mine, that's one thing that I missed about Rylan. He was full of words, lies or not. They were words that I longed for, that I "needed".
Words that I now cringe at. Words that now worry me.

One year ago today, Rylan tried to hang himself. Its only fair that I spend today in memory of what we had.
I don't miss worrying about if my best friend would kill himself that day or not.
A lot of freedom comes when that is no longer an issue.
A lot of freedom comes when you change your whole outlook on life.
A lot of freedom comes when you decide to live in reality.
A lot of freedom comes when you aren't afraid of losing loved ones because they no longer love you.