From the love of a father

So today I got a pretty weird text, one from Dallas Littrell.
He apologized and asked if he had done something to hurt me in any way because if he had he wanted to make sure that he never did it again.
To my knowledge nothing had happened so I told him so and I told him that things around here had just been kinda crazy and I was being quite anti-social and thanked him for pointing it out.

Then we talked, like really talked. He asked how my days were.
He asked what was happening in my life, he asked what I wanted to do long-term.
He asked if I was planning to go to africa.
He wanted to know about my life.
He wanted information.
He cared.

Ah, the love of a father.

Ridiculous how something that is clearly so small could mean so much to me.
The love of a father.

The love of the father.
ah.

good day.

Dear world. Keep note that i can take care of myself. I got my own feelings and am free of all problems. I got a hold on it all. K. Thanks. -

i was not called to stay in this country.

Oh btw i suck. At everything. Feeling for the day.

I used to be an emotional mess. Now i can barely feel. Whats wrong here?

I'm not sorry i have feelings. Suck it.

I don't like it here.

"I wont leave you, I won't ever leave you"
what a pill to swallow.

Welcome home past.

here goes....

So I was once told I should do stuff that scares me, for the whole month of October... I'm gonna share my real feelings about everything.
beware friends.


p.s. why the fuck am I always the douche magnet.
mhmm, already started.

I'm worth it Damn it.

There are just some fears you have to stuff down and say NO. You have no right to control me anymore. Fuck off.

you reap what you sow.
Something we all must learn the hard way.
No more complaining if you're just gonna start it.
Kelli, quit being a loser! Gah.

I fear that I'm becoming a hoarder with all my craft stuff lately.
But its for a good cause... right?
I need a shower.
But its late and I can't do it tonight cause my hair will get crazy.
tomorrow?
yeah right.
Working 11 hours tomorrow, maybe longer.... whoop!

Hates considered a bad feeling right?

this is what my life constantly looks like nowadays

and then this happens

Snails.

Today was an all around rough day. Just one of those days that make you say, WAIT, I'm a human too! I've got them things called rights!!

Do you ever feel like you are too small to do anything yet your ego is so big you can't even fit through the door?
Or like you've lost all reason to fight yet you have too many fights to fight?


"You're blessed when you feel like you've lost what is most dear to you. 
Only then, ONLY THEN, can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. "
Note that Jesus never said the One who SHOULD be most dear to you. There is no longer a question about it. He is most dear to you. End of story. 
That means even at the end of the day when all you want to do is cry in your room because most people make you feel like the worst person in the whole world. 
WHAT ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER?! HUH! ATTACK HIM A LITTLE! 


I have enough problems. 
I have enough people to worry about. 
Don't attack me cause then I feel like I have to take time out to protect myself and thats just not worth it. 


Its funny when you walk into something completely unaware what God is about to do but THEN, it happens. You get something you didn't expect. You are reminded right off the bat that you are loved. by the One most dear to ME  something that just blows your mind huh? 


Today was a day that I went into defense mode, sometimes that's the worst thing you could possible do. It's the worst thing I could do. 


And mothersenses? Okay, I like those most of the time, but seriously. In the middle of worship and you know your person is in trouble so you turn around and see a woman all up on your man and thats not it, that is uncomfortable and makes you cry but it doesn't do it. So you turn back around and you see him, your insides ring out to protect the weak. you can't focus, you can't shut your eyes, you gotta watch his every move. You don't know what he'll do when. That's a tragic feeling that I hope I never feel again. 
I won't let people hurt my people. It's just not allowed. period. 

Its great to see one of YOUR favorite people with a different girl everytime you come out. I feel so loved

verbal beatings are nice. dont get those too often anymore

Fuck my life

I'll make you banana pancakes. Pretend like it's the weekend now

Okay, okay, so I was very over-dramatic this week. for that i apologize, but the root of this evil would probably be the fact i didn't feel heard.
my feelings weren't heard.

That is really what sucked.

but i lived through.
didn't have to beat anyone either.

came out better on the other side actually.
i could stand on that porch and hug you forever.
just so you know.

These legs are C.L.O.S.E.D!

Okay, there is only so much i can handle for the day.
consider the limit reached, a year ago.

I like you, I like your family. Who gives a shit if they don't like my opinions? we aren't married! 
not wanting to come had nothing to do with your mom. I have things that I have to do. I'm stressed at work, I really don't need to come to a night where the only people I like are your mom and Janet, welp, and my family. That sucks a little too much for my liking. 
sorry, I know that was a little loud and rude, but dude. its true. we don't have to act like we are. We're still little. 
I still have my own PUGH life. 
I love you but while we aren't bonded to each other for the rest of my life let me stay with my own family so I can love your family when it comes to that time. 


I miss my best friend. 
I believe the fact that I am not in constant communication with her is the reason I am freaking out. 


Tomorrow, I return to the dungeon. That's my new name for my office, and the freaking princess will be there. plus, I've got a fight to pick with laura. 
Tomorrow is already looking like a great day. 
I have work and I plan to throw myself into that. I'll make a plan for TruWonder as to how it will look in a class room, maybe send a sample to the goldsbys and the lanes and get their thoughts on it. and then I'll finish those things for Play-N-Worship (which tina freaked about) she can just suck it. 
I need to fix my hair and pick out an outfit, then go to bed. I'll finish fixing my life tomorrow after vertical, and my garage sale. so if you like to organize thing and wanna help, or come over just to see my lovely face. 
be. my. guest. 




ALSO! praying that God will break your heart for what breaks his is one hard prayer. 
consider my heart broken. k?
k.

Oh people

You know how some people just bring out THE worst in you?! Well, I have that person. He makes me crazy, he has for the past two years.
He's finally got a girlfriend and it ATTACKS my facebook news feed with all their flirting and it is just plain nasty. Makes me hate facebook for days.
Also, boyfriend has been creeping all up in my myspace world. that made me utterly nervous. that would be like kelli, the crazy ward version. i need to clean something. like a puke filled toilet.
wish i had gag reflexes. its killing me. I miss puking all my problems away. (you didn't read that)

but i don't miss being lied to.
or being only kinda loved.

I like just being with my best friend.
it just makes the whole world right.

I don't like my un.. kinda boss.
She would like to think she is my boss, but if you know less than me then you shouldn't be able to be call my "boss". Tard.
Also, my world is being stalked by previous stalkers with their stalking comments that i never received in the first place. i.d.i.o.t.
and they are on the pictures on my little children. poor kids, already being stalked. I'm sorry to put you in that place. please forgive me.
also, so everyone lets their secrets out on facebook, welp world, I got you.
I know you all love the Chiefs. only when they win. Way to be loyal. Take a lesson from the dogs.

This is gonna sound uber creepy, hold on, i miss little boys.
Like daniel and luke.
I miss being so loved by them.

But I had Benjamin in Africa so I'm praying for him and hopefully one day I can return and see him again. That would be legit! I actually wanna adopt him, but that might be out of the question.

I like late night dates with daddy God. He constantly has new things to say. I am restored. There is no shame.

I'm good at being a teenager at all the wrong times.

I'm glad my embarrassment can be used for your pleasure.

Boys are less attractive when they are eating your cheese-itz's.
Grab yo own box.

felt like i was puking a kidney

Your 'tude is unappealing.

Ugh. Sick

I'm sick, as a dog people might say. Which must mean I'm really sick if I'm being compared to a DOG.
Anyways, I was forced to stay home and do nothing. So that included; eating my weight in cherrios (I bet thats why I've started to get fat), having a bones marathon, changing my clothes (again), and almost completing my Accounting school book. I haven't even started school yet, I'm more of a nerd than I thought and thats just awful.

I believe that Dr. Pepper and cherrios are the reason I'm fat today. So here is the official statement, in writing for you lovely people. I will no longer be drinking Dr. Pepper at home. No longer keeping it in my room. I will either drink water or milk while I'm at home. The amount of money I spend on dr pepper is crazy. I could be feeding a kid in Africa or paying for gas. Haha. Something useful like that. Now, I will drink it while I'm out. I'm just not going to supply my addiction at home. I lost so much weight in africa and I'm betting its from not drink dr pepper. So that's my goal.
Hopefully I'm still a nice person, er, well, as much as I was before this decision.

I'm becoming insecure. How the crap did this freaking happen?

Parents of America.

Okay, Last time I checked, parenting meant you care after the child and raise them to grow up to be a functioning adult. I understand the whole wanting to reproduce something just like you, or hoping that they come out having your parters "cuteness". But in doing so, I would think that you would need to let them make their own choices, their own mistakes. It's unfortunately not your life to live, sure you can make input and suggestions, and when needed step in and guide your child back in the right direction.
But no, I wouldn't think that you would get to make the choices.

Now, I state all of this not being a parent myself. I've never looked into a completely newborn's face and knew that, that child's life depended on me. That I would help make or break this child's life. I've never felt that, yet. I understand that you have the responsibility for this child, until they are of age to make their own choices.
Teenage choices suck. I understand this. And I know people that have parents that aren't involved and that is a problem also.
I'm just saying, stand by your child. Let them think for themselves. God made them with brains.
Don't yell at them. Love them. Have a calm but firm voice when discipline needs to be given. Use loving, logical, natural consequences. Don't discourage them, they are their own person. God made them special. There is no one like them. Therefore, this child's life isn't yours... because you guys are completely different people.

Just sayin'

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex, A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting And I am finally seing Why I was the one worth leaving.

Accounting class-

Needs- Nerd Glasses, Spider-man socks (to make me still feel cool), Dr pepper, lots and lots and lots of pencils.
Cons- Hulu keeps distracting me.

I think school sucks. Well, when my people have to go to a place they hate... or it takes away from my time with them. Teenagers are work.

Sidenote: (learned this in accounting today) One of the Disadvantages of sole proprietorship is the lack of continuity such as; death, INSANITY, imprisonment, bankruptcy or retirement. So, for all of you dear friends that want to own your own business someday, be careful of insanity. It's part of the disadvantages.


Work is different, with Tina on board everything has changed. I fought for my desk today and won. Haha.
I don't believe in sleeping, I'm not sure why, I have to be UP in 6 hours. What is wrong with me? Eh. Everything.

today i secretly miss my father.
don't tell anyone.

Take note. I'm admitting that i might be sick.

What a life.

Dudes, life is all its cracked up to be.

I'm not sure where I fit in this setting.
Not sure where I will be in a year cause last year I was NOT thinking I would be here. But hey, here I am.
People are funny, and creepy and I think they know too much and it terrifies me.
Wal-mart has too many choices.
America has too many choices, also, toilet handles are on the weird side.
Africa has little, but is by far the most rewarding place to go. I'll be back, I just don't know how or when.
I feel like part of me left home with me and forgot to return. I don't know how I feel about that.
I'm oddly thankful for the weird things in life, such as, poop and humidity.

Apparently its time for me to go back to Africa.

See ya later dudes.
Ima gonna leave the country and serve me some Jesus.
It'll be real good, and I PROMISE to return.

Hey mom, great idea! Hate me before i leave!! Yes. Great!

Best Friend Code.

Okay, "friends" let me lay out the laws for you, since you so clearly have no idea what is happening.

1. Best friends tell each other EVERYTHING. Promise or no promise. Everything.
2. Best friends have the right to tell each other they think they are being stupid and/or their boyfriends or girlfriends are stupid.
3. Best friends are first priority. Other friends and dates come in 3rd.
4. Best friends must share wounds, voids and all that deliciousness.
5. See number one. For it is the most important.

It sound be illegal to call someone your best friend if they aren't willing to tell you everything. Cut off their heads.

i am excited to leave for several reasons 1) once i leave everyone will like me more. 2) i get a break. 3) just me and jesus. 4) i dont have to watch anymore.

Goodbye desk. Goodbye job. Goodbye everything of comfort i had.

Goodbye desk. Goodbye job. Goodbye everything of comfort i had.

Sometimes people steal my spot in life. Its real sad. I'm being replaced.

Mmm puke.

Desperate Pursuit

God is good. 

Those are utterly simple words but they scream a thousand things. 

The God of the ages cares for me. 

ME

that's a pretty big thing if you ask me. 

He loves me. 

He cares for me. 

I desperately long for him. 

A little less than a year ago, God spoke to me. CLEARLY. This was a weird and completely weird thing, I've heard a thousand sermons about it and it being a still small voice, one that can easily been mistaken for your own. But THIS, THIS was Jesus, this was GOD. 

This. 

Was. 

Different.

This was real.

He said "Kelli, you see that work that is being done in Africa? Well I'm going to use you, and you are going to be a part of that!" 

Those are scary words when you are 15 and you've never been out of the country and you are trying to "figure out your life" 

Africa?! 

AFRICA?! 

What the heck man?! 

I don't know how to even go about doing that. 

Almost 365 days later, I'm two weeks away from my trip to Uganda. God has provides a way, the money, the vision. I'm not making a whole bunch of a plans, I'm not even sure what is happening half the time. I'm going with the flow, I don't even know how to go about doing that. 

Funny huh?

Kelli Pugh is not known for going with the flow, I always have a plan. I always know what I'm doing at all times and I always have a to do list. 

This. 

Is. 

Not. 

Normal. 

I'm completely done with normal. I'm not even sure what normal looked like to start with. But I'll tell you this, over and over, I'm done with MY normal. 

Sitting here, with a laptop in Johnson County with my phone and iPod going off and playing constantly. I'm done. 

Take my belongings. 

I'm heading out. 

I'm outta here. 

I don't know what God is doing but I know that I'm being called to Africa. 

I KNOW that God is doing something there and I'm gonna be a part. 

I know that I have a heart for Africa that has been given by God and I cannot deny it. 

and I know that I am stoked for whatever God is planning. 

i'll end up coming back alone. Everyone leaves.

once felt complete with a total stranger, now i just feel used.

$493.00

 -Crave

-Fight

 -Redeem

    -Provide

Vertical has come across some wonderful leadership, he makes us  

LISTEN,  

it's a beautiful thing.

While at the Wonder Tour, Dan read us a verse and asked us to pick out A  word that stuck out to us. 

So, while Garrett was talking Wednesday night I was doing the same thing. 

Crave- 

 To have an intense desire for. 

 To need urgently; require.

 

               Fight-

                     To strive vigorously and resolutely

                            Redeem

                               To recover ownership of by paying a specified sum.

                                     To fulfill

                                      To set free; rescue or ransom.

                                       To save from a state of sinfulness and its consequences.

                                        To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of

Provide

To supply means of subsistence:

To make ready ahead of time; prepare. 

I really like hearing God's voice. 

It's beautiful, even a whisper, like the wind. 

                                                                         Beautiful. 

We've asked, and asked, and asked God to provide the funds and His vision for my trip to Africa. Boy, he has come through. 

I went from 2,300 dollars to $493.00 in two weeks. 

TWO WEEKS!  

He is good. All the time. 

I'm so excited. 

I'm almost there. 

                 Almost there.

Thank you, Lord for providing vision of the people around me. A craving to love on the children of Africa. People who love me and are willing to support me. A fight to continue even when its hard and nothing is happening. You redeeming your people and redeeming ME. 

You are wonderful.

Wonder Tour

All in all, I'm gonna have to say that it was wonderful. 
There were problems and sometimes people are jerks. And tents flood (but it stayed up!) But I think its beyond wonderful that no matter what the situation is that God shows up. He doesn't care that we are in a school or a drug park or in the rain. He shows up. Every time. 

"Master, if you want to, you can heal my body." Jesus reached out and touched him, saying, "I want to. Be clean."... Your cleansed and grateful life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done." -Matthew 8:2,3

That would have to be my new favorite verse. Er, well verses. 

One should not be allowed to "parent" based on information they recieved from your blog or twitter.

she's got the power in her hand to shock you like you wont believe

I've had a HEAVY amount of baby lust happening lately.
TONS!
But that all ended today. Thank you Blue Room.
Those kids were awful.
Well, some of them. I had Kendi which is always wonderful and I get to watch her tomorrow also, and get to hang out with Garret and Sarah.

I've been in quite the mood this past week. Nothing has seem to go right and I have plans. I plan things. That's who I am. I have to apologize to anyone who reads this for my attitude.
I've just been out of whack.

But, I got to work today. I love work mode. Its my favorite.
-Wonder Tour work
-Nursery
-Babysitting
and maybe I'll get to go home and clean something!!! YES! c

You know those weeks when everything goes awfully and you are suppose to be okay? and you constantly have people around so you can't just not be okay??

that was this week.

and to have baby lust this week.

awful.

I'm ready to get back to normal, but nothing really feels normal anymore. Ever since my dad died there hasn't been a very good normal. Maybe that's my problem.

I need a normal.

I'll be honest here. 

Heck. 

I'm always honest here. 

It's hard to picture you loving me when you flirt with 

other ladies so much. 

And I still have problems believing you sometimes. 

You are just going to have to deal with that though. 

I have trust issues. 

I've been hurt seven too many times by the same people.

Ignore it if it makes you feel better. 

We'll be fine. 

I'll make this work. 

That's my plan. 

Because you need this. 

You need me. 

I need love. 

We've got this. 

It's just jokes right?

You are just a people person. 

You don't have feelings for those girls. 

why do I feel like I'm lying to make myself feel better?

probably cause I am. 

Damn. 

best. friends. (yes I'm copying you.)

(Isn't she gorgeous?!?!)

Top Ten Reasons I LOVE My Best Friend.

10) she loves me no matter what. 

9) She has a wonderful taste in music.

8) She always listens to what I have to say. 

(Even if I've said it a million times.)

7) She takes my advice.

6) She still hangs out with me even when stupid people are around me. 

5) I trust her. Completely.

4) She has the best laugh and smile.  

3) She is wonderful with children. 

(this has come in handy with my nursery schedule and when I get married ;) )

2) She thinks the best of me, even when I'm a complete fool. 

1) She loves me even though I always pick the wrong guy.

This is one of my favorites. I don't really know why. It just is. 

This is the best thing you will ever see in your life. 
Seriously. 




We seriously have the best friendship ever.  
It's been over the rocks, under the bridge and through the valleys. 
But we made it through. 
Cause. 
We.
Are.
Very.
Best.
Friends.


She's been there through the toughest things. 
My dad dying. 
the best and worst 19 months of my life. 
listening to me talk about my "kids" (They were never coming. you were right.)
listening to me complain about everything. 


She is the best. 

boyfriends are lame. 

I'm tried of being awake. 

Goodnight.

This man is making me cry.

To Kourtney: Bill Pugh Yes mam, I am damn proud to say I am your uncle!!

To Kameron:Bill Pugh having you back in my life is the last gift your father gave me.

To Keshia: Bill Pugh I am quite sure your Dad would be proud of you for being who you are and such a beautiful young lady. I know I am.

To Kalvin: Bill Pugh my life got a little better a couple of days ago thanx to you.

 To Me: Bill Pugh Life is a little better now that you are part of it

Status: Bill Pugh

I got some pretty kool neices and nephews wish everyone could meet them. I am so proud of them all for they are growing in to fine upstanding adults.

Yeah, Ninja, She looks like her daddy too.

"You always were a little runt"- Grandma 


Grandma. 
That was a funny word to write. 
Still typing that word feels like a betrayal. I don't know why. 


Daddy. 
That is an extra funny word to type. Considering I've never used it. 
But I heard it a lot these past couple of days. 
Well, "Your Daddy..." To be certain. 


I'm so glad I went, I wouldn't trade those 36ish hours for anything. I spent them where I needed to. With my family. With family my Father, my Daddy, spent time with. 
It's time to give up the wounds he caused. I forgave him a long time ago, or so I thought. 
Death is a funny thing. It changes people, not always in the best way but consider me changed. 


I had this Dad, he sucked. Like big time. 
He was wounded. 
He was wounded to the very end. 
"I said I do for the third time. This time I WILL make it work." 
He was at least trying. Something I never really saw. But that's okay. 


It's over now. 


I learned lots of things this past week. 
One. If you tell Uncle Bill you wanna drink with him, he will totally pretend to let you. 
Two. If you don't see your grandmother or uncle for 12 years, they tend to cry when they see you. 
Three. Just because your son divorces his wife and leaves his children, that doesn't have to change your feelings for them. 
Four. Missing three days or work and time with your boyfriend to fix the family that was broken. Totally worth it. 
Five. Saints won the world championship. (I'm never gonna tell Bill that I already knew that and I didn't watch the game so I could spend time with Josh.)
Six. "Would he really beat him??" "Yes" "Good, cause if he wouldn't I would come and beat his ass!"
Seven. I love my family. 
Eight. Mobile homes are freaking awesome. 
Nine. Grandmothers are so funny "Oh god! You stink!!" "No, no, no, NO posing!!. Candid pictures!"
"Did you shoot all that film up?"
Ten. You don't know what you have till its gone. Then you get family. 


I have this, I don't know what to call it. 
Whole heart?
Everything is just perfect. 
I love it. 

Has realized again that my father is dead. It's not a happy feeling.

Take off in less than 24 hours.

It's weird to go leave to go some place I've already decided to dislike. 

That makes this job harder.

That's what she said!!!

Yesterday I decided to be a jerk and try to scare Kameron, 

I had just scared Kourtney with Josh, it was a bonding moment, 

and kameron always has a better reaction, 

So I slowly walked out the door, 

walked around the back, 

went through the already open gate,

(oops)

and climbed the porch, like I did five minutes before

Then

A boy with a airsoft gun came straight at me.

Hop down from the porch, 

jump over the gate,

run through the front yard laughing, 

got shot twice

I bruise so stinkin easy. 

I should be packing. 

or helping. 

I'm doing neither. 

I'm rebelling, like I plan to do later. 

Can you plan to rebel??

Homeschooler.

I can't resist. 

I have an addiction. 

To be loved. 

To be held.

Is that so wrong?? 

I don't think so. 

What if I write secret messages in white?? 

That'd be funny. 

like this.

Jesse Owens, I think you are the best. 

*TICKLE*

beat you again!!! 

I like gray a lot. 

I don't know why, 

I'm scared of Sherri Bonebrake. 

TERRIFIED!!! 

the end

 

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex, A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting And I am finally seing Why I was the one worth leaving.

I leave in two days. 

I won't see Josh before I leave and neither of us like that thought. 

But I can't fix it. 

I can't fix most things these days. 

I kinda suck. 

I feel completely alone 98% of my time. 

That's no one's fault but my own. 

I won't see Josh til Thursday, well maybe Wednesday,

 but I'm in task mode on Wednesdays. 

He wanted to sneak out tonight to see me. 

I had to be an adult and tell him that wasn't okay. 

Maybe that was just the homeschooler in me. 

Teenagers do that all the time. 

It's not completely awful right?

Yes, yes it is. 

I wouldn't want my teenage son sneaking out to meet up with his girlfriend. 

I would kick his ass. 

We've fought a whole lot this week. 

He won't leave. 

When I had Rylan, he would leave, 

If I pushed hard enough he was gone for at least days at a time. 

Now, he is gone for forever. 

I pushed too hard. 

figures. 

I wanted to see him, 

really, 

I did. 

He makes it seem like I don't. 

What a fool. 

If I didn't want to be with you, 

trust me you would know it. 

Today, I meet a girl at the bookstore. 

She started talking to me and we talked about Ted Dekker, 

If it wasn't creepy I would've asked for her number,

 to become better friends. 

She was great. 

I have no idea what her name is. 

But it was fun. 

I like people. 

Well, stranger people. 

People who won't be around. 

People who leave quickly. 

I've become that type of person. 

As horrible as that is. 

I don't really wanna go. 

Everyone knows that. 

Who would really want to anyways?

I had dreams about my father all night long. 

and Rylan. 

That wasn't okay with me at all. 

I cried myself to sleep once again. 

I haven't done that since when Rylan first left. 

I miss having a fighter around. 

Someone who wouldn't just let me push them around until they apologized. 

I think God is playing tricks on me,

giving me the opposite of who I am so I can learn my flaws and 

be annoyed by them. 

Mission accomplished God! 

I push people away. Deal with it and leave already. God.

Feels utterly and completely alone.

got turned down for a boy.

should've seen that one coming.

sometimes I do it.

its not fun being on the other side.



just sayin'

Tanner Stuart. I hate you.

Choices: “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”

Warning:

if use of profanity offends you, 

or the use of feelings,

do not read. 

I don't like double standards.
I don't like people who promise different choices or different outcomes then take it back.

I once had a choice to tell my father I never wanted to speak to him or see him again, I made that choice.
I needed him away from my mother. I need keep my people safe. So I haven't seen him in 6 years. That was fine. That was great. No problems, no cards, I didn't give a crap.

Then the asshole died. That was sad, but overall its been frustrating.
I understand wanting to know someone that was somewhat connected to your dead brother, I understand that. Kinda, I don't have a dead brother, but I get where you are coming from. Really. I get that.
I don't know you people! I have no desire to! I'm perfectly wonderful here. I have a wonderful life. Things at home were good, things at work are okay. I'm FINE! Leave me alone! But nope, this time next week I will be packing my bags to come down there for a four days. Not that I think that's fair, but I apparently don't a choice. Or my own damn free will. Seriously, if I wasn't allowed to decide for myself what the fuck was I given a choice??

I'm going down there to meet and greet my dead father's family. Where is the desire to do that?
Where should the desire be for that? It's gonna cost us tons of money to GET there. Not for the whole trip, just to GET there. Why the fuck would we do that?!?! We could be using that money for so many other things, that's over a whole month's rent!


You JERK!
I'm sad anymore, these tears are not from sadness but from anger and relief.
I'm relived you are gone. RELIVED!
I can't remember any fond memories of you. Nothing.
So, Father, I don't know what happened to you. I don't know if I care to know.
I'm coming down there and I might die thanks to your murderous wife.
But I guess that's a chance we are apparently willing to take.
I guess we will be attending a service for you. Something small. After all, there is no body, your wife took care of that. I keep saying there isn't any part of you in me. I'm sure there is little things we have in common, my mother isn't a fan of my attitude today and she never liked yours.
It was completely too easy to hate you considering you left YOUR six kids with their mother and barely supported them. Hump em and dump em. What kind of man does that?!?! What the fuck was wrong with you!? You were all too correct about us hating you. You made that easy. You didn't try very hard. You never fought. Bastard. You spent your time beating my brother. Yelling at MY mother. People aren't allowed to hit or hurt my people. Ask anybody. I do my best to protect and care for them. So, there is no more fighting you.  You're dead. D-E-A-D! and I never said goodbye.




I'm going numb.
goodbye feelings.

i dont know who sucks more, dead people or still living people. currently annoyed with both.

"I'm sorry for your loss"

Yesterday I got of one the worst phone calls of my life. I didn't expect to be affected, I didn't expect to even care when my father died. I guess I was wrong.

There I was; standing in my boyfriend's back yard while he is in the house arguing with his mother (which was already a bad idea) talking on the phone to my mother. She asked if I was somewhere that I could hear her and then she said "I got a call today, *starts crying* from Bill, you know who that is right" "Uh, yes, Ken's brother? That Bill??" *she starts crying harder* "Yes, they found your father dead this morning."

*insert my heart falling to my stomach*

 and I start crying.. 

She continues talking about how they found him and that she never wanted to tell me over the phone but wanted me to know as soon as everyone else, asked if I wanted to come home, asked if she needed to talk to Josh.

awful moment. 

Dad,

you didn't know (few people did) but I thought about you often. I had planned to talk to you and let you know that I forgive you for all the crappy things you did, its too late now. Thanks for fixing my bike that one time, one of the few fond memories I have of you. But I kinda ruined it at the end when I called you Ken and rode off giggled at being disrespectful. What can I say? It was easy, you didn't deserve a lot with the way you treated people but it's a lot easier to like you or love you now that you are gone. I have to thank you for working so often and being gone most of my life, it gave me a loving relationship with my mother. One that many teenagers should be jealous of. I can't say that losing you is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I barely knew you. Other than knowing you were an ass to my mother, you liked those crappy "deals" people always sold you. Like Dry-Wash. That was one of the better ones. You ruined my brothers and for that I am angry. You missed out on 6 wonderful different children.

Kalvin- He is funny and bitter and one of the best friends I've ever had. You missed out by never loving who he is. 

Kendra- She is about to be a mom, of twins, you have a grand-baby in heaven, she is on her second husband. You missed both weddings, you weren't really invited but you missed out. 

Keshia-I think you wounded her more than anyone else. You should burn in hell for the wounds you gave her. 

She nannies the two best kids in the world. She is pretty good with them too. 

Kameron- He is talented. He plays music, really really well. Tons of different ones too. He doesn't deal well with death. The boys are taking this the worst.

Kourtney- haha well, Kourtney is Kourtney, she is loud and sometimes too loving. She means well though. And kids love her. Surprisingly. 

Me? Well... I will graduate in a year, I have the worlds best friend and God's cutest creation as my boyfriend. I work at my church, I think you would've been proud for that. Something. 

But overall, I think we are all a little sad that you are gone. You missed out and we might've too.