she's got the power in her hand to shock you like you wont believe

I've had a HEAVY amount of baby lust happening lately.
TONS!
But that all ended today. Thank you Blue Room.
Those kids were awful.
Well, some of them. I had Kendi which is always wonderful and I get to watch her tomorrow also, and get to hang out with Garret and Sarah.

I've been in quite the mood this past week. Nothing has seem to go right and I have plans. I plan things. That's who I am. I have to apologize to anyone who reads this for my attitude.
I've just been out of whack.

But, I got to work today. I love work mode. Its my favorite.
-Wonder Tour work
-Nursery
-Babysitting
and maybe I'll get to go home and clean something!!! YES! c

You know those weeks when everything goes awfully and you are suppose to be okay? and you constantly have people around so you can't just not be okay??

that was this week.

and to have baby lust this week.

awful.

I'm ready to get back to normal, but nothing really feels normal anymore. Ever since my dad died there hasn't been a very good normal. Maybe that's my problem.

I need a normal.

I'll be honest here. 

Heck. 

I'm always honest here. 

It's hard to picture you loving me when you flirt with 

other ladies so much. 

And I still have problems believing you sometimes. 

You are just going to have to deal with that though. 

I have trust issues. 

I've been hurt seven too many times by the same people.

Ignore it if it makes you feel better. 

We'll be fine. 

I'll make this work. 

That's my plan. 

Because you need this. 

You need me. 

I need love. 

We've got this. 

It's just jokes right?

You are just a people person. 

You don't have feelings for those girls. 

why do I feel like I'm lying to make myself feel better?

probably cause I am. 

Damn. 

best. friends. (yes I'm copying you.)

(Isn't she gorgeous?!?!)

Top Ten Reasons I LOVE My Best Friend.

10) she loves me no matter what. 

9) She has a wonderful taste in music.

8) She always listens to what I have to say. 

(Even if I've said it a million times.)

7) She takes my advice.

6) She still hangs out with me even when stupid people are around me. 

5) I trust her. Completely.

4) She has the best laugh and smile.  

3) She is wonderful with children. 

(this has come in handy with my nursery schedule and when I get married ;) )

2) She thinks the best of me, even when I'm a complete fool. 

1) She loves me even though I always pick the wrong guy.

This is one of my favorites. I don't really know why. It just is. 

This is the best thing you will ever see in your life. 
Seriously. 




We seriously have the best friendship ever.  
It's been over the rocks, under the bridge and through the valleys. 
But we made it through. 
Cause. 
We.
Are.
Very.
Best.
Friends.


She's been there through the toughest things. 
My dad dying. 
the best and worst 19 months of my life. 
listening to me talk about my "kids" (They were never coming. you were right.)
listening to me complain about everything. 


She is the best. 

boyfriends are lame. 

I'm tried of being awake. 

Goodnight.

This man is making me cry.

To Kourtney: Bill Pugh Yes mam, I am damn proud to say I am your uncle!!

To Kameron:Bill Pugh having you back in my life is the last gift your father gave me.

To Keshia: Bill Pugh I am quite sure your Dad would be proud of you for being who you are and such a beautiful young lady. I know I am.

To Kalvin: Bill Pugh my life got a little better a couple of days ago thanx to you.

 To Me: Bill Pugh Life is a little better now that you are part of it

Status: Bill Pugh

I got some pretty kool neices and nephews wish everyone could meet them. I am so proud of them all for they are growing in to fine upstanding adults.

Yeah, Ninja, She looks like her daddy too.

"You always were a little runt"- Grandma 


Grandma. 
That was a funny word to write. 
Still typing that word feels like a betrayal. I don't know why. 


Daddy. 
That is an extra funny word to type. Considering I've never used it. 
But I heard it a lot these past couple of days. 
Well, "Your Daddy..." To be certain. 


I'm so glad I went, I wouldn't trade those 36ish hours for anything. I spent them where I needed to. With my family. With family my Father, my Daddy, spent time with. 
It's time to give up the wounds he caused. I forgave him a long time ago, or so I thought. 
Death is a funny thing. It changes people, not always in the best way but consider me changed. 


I had this Dad, he sucked. Like big time. 
He was wounded. 
He was wounded to the very end. 
"I said I do for the third time. This time I WILL make it work." 
He was at least trying. Something I never really saw. But that's okay. 


It's over now. 


I learned lots of things this past week. 
One. If you tell Uncle Bill you wanna drink with him, he will totally pretend to let you. 
Two. If you don't see your grandmother or uncle for 12 years, they tend to cry when they see you. 
Three. Just because your son divorces his wife and leaves his children, that doesn't have to change your feelings for them. 
Four. Missing three days or work and time with your boyfriend to fix the family that was broken. Totally worth it. 
Five. Saints won the world championship. (I'm never gonna tell Bill that I already knew that and I didn't watch the game so I could spend time with Josh.)
Six. "Would he really beat him??" "Yes" "Good, cause if he wouldn't I would come and beat his ass!"
Seven. I love my family. 
Eight. Mobile homes are freaking awesome. 
Nine. Grandmothers are so funny "Oh god! You stink!!" "No, no, no, NO posing!!. Candid pictures!"
"Did you shoot all that film up?"
Ten. You don't know what you have till its gone. Then you get family. 


I have this, I don't know what to call it. 
Whole heart?
Everything is just perfect. 
I love it. 

Has realized again that my father is dead. It's not a happy feeling.

Take off in less than 24 hours.

It's weird to go leave to go some place I've already decided to dislike. 

That makes this job harder.

That's what she said!!!

Yesterday I decided to be a jerk and try to scare Kameron, 

I had just scared Kourtney with Josh, it was a bonding moment, 

and kameron always has a better reaction, 

So I slowly walked out the door, 

walked around the back, 

went through the already open gate,

(oops)

and climbed the porch, like I did five minutes before

Then

A boy with a airsoft gun came straight at me.

Hop down from the porch, 

jump over the gate,

run through the front yard laughing, 

got shot twice

I bruise so stinkin easy. 

I should be packing. 

or helping. 

I'm doing neither. 

I'm rebelling, like I plan to do later. 

Can you plan to rebel??

Homeschooler.

I can't resist. 

I have an addiction. 

To be loved. 

To be held.

Is that so wrong?? 

I don't think so. 

What if I write secret messages in white?? 

That'd be funny. 

like this.

Jesse Owens, I think you are the best. 

*TICKLE*

beat you again!!! 

I like gray a lot. 

I don't know why, 

I'm scared of Sherri Bonebrake. 

TERRIFIED!!! 

the end

 

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex, A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting And I am finally seing Why I was the one worth leaving.

I leave in two days. 

I won't see Josh before I leave and neither of us like that thought. 

But I can't fix it. 

I can't fix most things these days. 

I kinda suck. 

I feel completely alone 98% of my time. 

That's no one's fault but my own. 

I won't see Josh til Thursday, well maybe Wednesday,

 but I'm in task mode on Wednesdays. 

He wanted to sneak out tonight to see me. 

I had to be an adult and tell him that wasn't okay. 

Maybe that was just the homeschooler in me. 

Teenagers do that all the time. 

It's not completely awful right?

Yes, yes it is. 

I wouldn't want my teenage son sneaking out to meet up with his girlfriend. 

I would kick his ass. 

We've fought a whole lot this week. 

He won't leave. 

When I had Rylan, he would leave, 

If I pushed hard enough he was gone for at least days at a time. 

Now, he is gone for forever. 

I pushed too hard. 

figures. 

I wanted to see him, 

really, 

I did. 

He makes it seem like I don't. 

What a fool. 

If I didn't want to be with you, 

trust me you would know it. 

Today, I meet a girl at the bookstore. 

She started talking to me and we talked about Ted Dekker, 

If it wasn't creepy I would've asked for her number,

 to become better friends. 

She was great. 

I have no idea what her name is. 

But it was fun. 

I like people. 

Well, stranger people. 

People who won't be around. 

People who leave quickly. 

I've become that type of person. 

As horrible as that is. 

I don't really wanna go. 

Everyone knows that. 

Who would really want to anyways?

I had dreams about my father all night long. 

and Rylan. 

That wasn't okay with me at all. 

I cried myself to sleep once again. 

I haven't done that since when Rylan first left. 

I miss having a fighter around. 

Someone who wouldn't just let me push them around until they apologized. 

I think God is playing tricks on me,

giving me the opposite of who I am so I can learn my flaws and 

be annoyed by them. 

Mission accomplished God! 

I push people away. Deal with it and leave already. God.

Feels utterly and completely alone.

got turned down for a boy.

should've seen that one coming.

sometimes I do it.

its not fun being on the other side.



just sayin'

Tanner Stuart. I hate you.

Choices: “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”

Warning:

if use of profanity offends you, 

or the use of feelings,

do not read. 

I don't like double standards.
I don't like people who promise different choices or different outcomes then take it back.

I once had a choice to tell my father I never wanted to speak to him or see him again, I made that choice.
I needed him away from my mother. I need keep my people safe. So I haven't seen him in 6 years. That was fine. That was great. No problems, no cards, I didn't give a crap.

Then the asshole died. That was sad, but overall its been frustrating.
I understand wanting to know someone that was somewhat connected to your dead brother, I understand that. Kinda, I don't have a dead brother, but I get where you are coming from. Really. I get that.
I don't know you people! I have no desire to! I'm perfectly wonderful here. I have a wonderful life. Things at home were good, things at work are okay. I'm FINE! Leave me alone! But nope, this time next week I will be packing my bags to come down there for a four days. Not that I think that's fair, but I apparently don't a choice. Or my own damn free will. Seriously, if I wasn't allowed to decide for myself what the fuck was I given a choice??

I'm going down there to meet and greet my dead father's family. Where is the desire to do that?
Where should the desire be for that? It's gonna cost us tons of money to GET there. Not for the whole trip, just to GET there. Why the fuck would we do that?!?! We could be using that money for so many other things, that's over a whole month's rent!


You JERK!
I'm sad anymore, these tears are not from sadness but from anger and relief.
I'm relived you are gone. RELIVED!
I can't remember any fond memories of you. Nothing.
So, Father, I don't know what happened to you. I don't know if I care to know.
I'm coming down there and I might die thanks to your murderous wife.
But I guess that's a chance we are apparently willing to take.
I guess we will be attending a service for you. Something small. After all, there is no body, your wife took care of that. I keep saying there isn't any part of you in me. I'm sure there is little things we have in common, my mother isn't a fan of my attitude today and she never liked yours.
It was completely too easy to hate you considering you left YOUR six kids with their mother and barely supported them. Hump em and dump em. What kind of man does that?!?! What the fuck was wrong with you!? You were all too correct about us hating you. You made that easy. You didn't try very hard. You never fought. Bastard. You spent your time beating my brother. Yelling at MY mother. People aren't allowed to hit or hurt my people. Ask anybody. I do my best to protect and care for them. So, there is no more fighting you.  You're dead. D-E-A-D! and I never said goodbye.




I'm going numb.
goodbye feelings.