i dont know who sucks more, dead people or still living people. currently annoyed with both.

"I'm sorry for your loss"

Yesterday I got of one the worst phone calls of my life. I didn't expect to be affected, I didn't expect to even care when my father died. I guess I was wrong.

There I was; standing in my boyfriend's back yard while he is in the house arguing with his mother (which was already a bad idea) talking on the phone to my mother. She asked if I was somewhere that I could hear her and then she said "I got a call today, *starts crying* from Bill, you know who that is right" "Uh, yes, Ken's brother? That Bill??" *she starts crying harder* "Yes, they found your father dead this morning."

*insert my heart falling to my stomach*

 and I start crying.. 

She continues talking about how they found him and that she never wanted to tell me over the phone but wanted me to know as soon as everyone else, asked if I wanted to come home, asked if she needed to talk to Josh.

awful moment. 

Dad,

you didn't know (few people did) but I thought about you often. I had planned to talk to you and let you know that I forgive you for all the crappy things you did, its too late now. Thanks for fixing my bike that one time, one of the few fond memories I have of you. But I kinda ruined it at the end when I called you Ken and rode off giggled at being disrespectful. What can I say? It was easy, you didn't deserve a lot with the way you treated people but it's a lot easier to like you or love you now that you are gone. I have to thank you for working so often and being gone most of my life, it gave me a loving relationship with my mother. One that many teenagers should be jealous of. I can't say that losing you is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I barely knew you. Other than knowing you were an ass to my mother, you liked those crappy "deals" people always sold you. Like Dry-Wash. That was one of the better ones. You ruined my brothers and for that I am angry. You missed out on 6 wonderful different children.

Kalvin- He is funny and bitter and one of the best friends I've ever had. You missed out by never loving who he is. 

Kendra- She is about to be a mom, of twins, you have a grand-baby in heaven, she is on her second husband. You missed both weddings, you weren't really invited but you missed out. 

Keshia-I think you wounded her more than anyone else. You should burn in hell for the wounds you gave her. 

She nannies the two best kids in the world. She is pretty good with them too. 

Kameron- He is talented. He plays music, really really well. Tons of different ones too. He doesn't deal well with death. The boys are taking this the worst.

Kourtney- haha well, Kourtney is Kourtney, she is loud and sometimes too loving. She means well though. And kids love her. Surprisingly. 

Me? Well... I will graduate in a year, I have the worlds best friend and God's cutest creation as my boyfriend. I work at my church, I think you would've been proud for that. Something. 

But overall, I think we are all a little sad that you are gone. You missed out and we might've too. 

I'm currently awkwardly sitting in a room listening while my boyfriend's mother rips him a new one.

"Oh man! That's a steal!"

Today, I had the wonderful privilege to hang out with Kalah. She is wonderful, completely. Inside and out. The best.

We needed to go get stuff for the Wonder Tour and we are walking down the aisle in The Market for the third time and we are taking about what a wonderful honor it is to be on the leadership side of Wonder Tour this year and we are both beaming and we looked at each other and cracked up. (That might of been one of my favorite parts). Then after our before trip meeting she asked me to get directions to U.S. Toy, (we needed prizes), and I got the wrong address, (CRAP! Way to look like an idiot!) but when we got to the headquarters and realized that we were in the wrong place she just started laughing, there wasn't a frustrated bone in her body. She was completely filled with joy even after we had gone to the wrong one and wasted a good 20 minutes. She was completely joyful, I was surprised to watch as she remained that way ALL DAY, that is something.
I've never looked up to a woman as much as I look up to Kalah Sipp. (Except for maybe my mother)
and I'm pretty sure we make one of the best teams ever.

When I came home, after a 8-6 day, I was pretty tired to say the very least.
The mother made dinner (my favorite! grilled chicken!!), and then, much to my wonderful surprise we had "Family Chore time" Which is possibly one of my favorite things ever. I love having a clean house and hadn't had one in days.
Then we went upstairs together, and tried to order my school for next year. (I get to stay at home and will start college classes next fall, welp, that's the plan right now anyways. I think I need to save up a little bit, I don't need to put my mother in debt) and we had paperwork we were going to go over but she got too tired so here I am, blogging. Completely relaxed (which is causing the rambling) and completely filled with the Lord's joy. I have tons of work to do tomorrow, but that's tomorrow, I can't do anything about it today. The mistakes I made today won't matter tomorrow or in 5 minutes because I won't be able to change them. So, I'm just gonna live.
Tomorrow I have a Lost date with the world's greatest boyfriend, and I get to spend more time with Kalah, and it's just gonna be great.

Join if you remember eating this bad boy

Blogger friends, 

Be on the lookout. I lost the keys, again.

What a freaking fail. I'm so frustrated about it. Well that and many other things, its just been one of those lovely weeks. 

Plus, my editor is being funky. SWANK! Gosh! 

Currently listening to She & Him. Love them to pieces. 

I finally got my glasses back! Those things are boy magnets, I can't decide if thats good or bad. 

I'll have to vote on that, someday. 

I'm overly stressed and under... idk.. i was gonna say loved, cause that's how I'm been feeling lately, but feelings lie. I'm hoping to be home before everyone else tonight so I can clean my nasty house, maybe the Aliens will bring back my keys. 

I need a good long week with no people, or work, or phones, or houses to clean. 

Just me. 

Psh, that would last like a day. 

Haha. 

Don't you just love those moments that remind you of all the other awful moments that have happened to you? Yepp, me too. Big fan. 

And then you talk about it and nothing good comes from it. You just get that look (you know the ONE), and you know to back off or you might get left and that is so terrible. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't like my sarcasm? Welp, suck it. 

It should be completely okay for me to not like people. If it isn't with you, you are clearly in the wrong county, people here are brutal. Watch it. 

100th post

x

Welp, I've been putting off blogging because I knew that it needed to be a good one, I mean one hundred posts! Its gotta be good.



I really really really want a old vintage bike. Like REAL bad.
I know, I know, its just another thing that I want and don't really need. But I never had my own bike and that's a little sad.

Something a little like this.
I really want my bike to come from Goodwill.
I don't really know why, I just do.
I'm full of odd wants today.

What life has looked like lately...

Lots and lots of this :) 

In all conclusion, my life is the best. 

  Be jealous.You should be. 

Haha :) man. I'm a big fan of Noah and Jackson today, as always.

Oh snap.

Well, I seem to have a problem.
I installed my schoolwork onto my laptop like I was told to do... then proceeded to do three days of work.
I think I've been bored.
7 Lessons and 1 quiz and I'm completely done with this week's school and its barely Sunday.
I am skilled.

I'm not sure I'm cut out for this line of work

I sat in the living room of the people I babysat for and listened to their 9 year old cry herself to sleep. All she wanted was her mom, and as hard as I tried I couldn't give that to her at the moment. Her mom was going to be home in a hour and it was already way past her bedtime, but I could feel my heart break for this child as she sobbed in her room for her mother.

The past is a funny thing, I never once said "Oh! This will be fun for now, but in 8 months this will be my past and this will haunt me everytime fate allows." Nope. Never.

Today was one of those awful days that everywhere I went I had a flashback of something like that.
It wasn't good.
Every flashback that happens just happens to be related to fear. That's totally normal right?! Right.

Forgotten.
Alone.
Afraid.
Wanting someone to comfort me.

Well, dear child, once again as you face that moment in time. No one is there. You can't change it.
When people hurt you or annoy you they will always resemble someone that once "loved" you.

"And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."

have you ever felt alone,
like no one around you cared,
wanted to feel at home,
like at least one person was there.

i had this feeling for years,
since the day my parents left,
a void that caused tears,
a need that just couldnt be met.

all i wanted was one person,
one to show me some love,
i just wanted to feel as if,
there was a god above.

this girl came into my life,
she is the best ive ever talked to,
if i could id make her my wife,
im sure youd wish the same for you.

she loves me no matter what,
through the thick and through the thin,
shes put up with my butt,
this story clearly has no end.

id love for her to be mine,
i know that wont come true,
so until the end of time,
kelli, i hope hes good to you.

Bean, Lauren and Morgan.. There's never been cooler girls!

All the worst fathers miss out on all the greatest kids.

As I was listening to one of my wonderful loves yesterday, they were talking about how they didn't want to take what was theirs because the person they were "taking" from would be without. They deserve it much more than the people that would be without, but they don't want that. 


Fathers. 
I don't have one. 
I really don't care what other men say about it, I do NOT have one. When a man marries the woman that becomes your mother and then after they have you (and 5 other children) they divorce and completely forget about you... you no longer have a father. That's the way it works. Sorry. Wait, no I'm not. 
I knew a man once that lived in my house, kissed my mother every now and then and apparently "fathered" me. He fixed my bike once... that's about the only fatherly thing I remember. 
He currently lives in Denham Springs, LA, with his wife Deborah. I have a step-mother. One that I've never met. I haven't seen him in years. Haven't talked to him in forever either. 




Hungry for love. "Father hunger" often afflicts boys age one and two whose fathers are suddenly and permanently absent. Sleep disturbances, such as trouble falling asleep, nightmares, and night terrors frequently begin within one to three months after the father leaves home.


My best friend, she doesn't have a good father either. Never has. Her and I.. Welp, let's face it. We are getting old. We won't ever have the fathers we needed. Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would've been like to have one... I think that I just lucked out and was okay without one. I think I turned out okay. 


I know some pretty great kids that have turned out to be my favorite people in the whole stinking world and they came from the very worst fathers. I think it's karma. When you suck as a dad your kids come out the best to prove to the world that they are okay. 
Fatherless people are fighters. I would know. 
I tend to throw a lot of punches, I threw several tonight. 


I dare to say that I am completely free of the father wounds.. That may not be true, I think they are more like healing scars. They aren't open wounds and they can't really be re-opened unless serious tugging was happening to them. I would also dare to say that I deal with males okay.. well for a fatherless child. 


What happens to those children that don't have the strength to defend themselves? 
What happens to the mothers that don't stand up for their children? How do they live? 


Suicidal Tendencies. In a study of 146 adolescent friends of 26 adolescent suicide victims, teens living in single-parent families are not only more likely to commit suicide but also more likely to suffer from psychological disorders, when compared to teens living in intact families.


I have to admit that when one of my favorites talked about how they couldn't take the things they deserved from their father because they couldn't have him be without... It was heart wrenching. THAT'S SELFLESSNESS! 
You gotta love that kid. It's incredibly hard not to. I just had to give in and love him. It's much funner this way. 


Sexual abuse. A study of 156 victims of child sexual abuse found that the majority of the children came from disrupted or single-parent homes; only 31 percent of the children lived with both biological parents. Although stepfamilies make up only about 10 percent of all families, 27 percent of the abused children lived with either a stepfather or the mother's boyfriend.


I've got this friend that is unbelievably amazing, she has been through buttloads of crap and continues on her way. Life sucks a lot. People are jerks and she is still here. She's my hero. 


High risk. Fatherless children are at dramatically greater risk of suicide.


I've knew too many people who have killed themselves because of different reasons. Sadly this is the first time I've cried about some of them. I am ashamed about that. I wonder what it would be like if they had their father? Would they still be here? Oh the questions that will never be answered. 

I'm apparently in the mood to make fun of people, I guess thats what happens when you online shop and stay at home all day.








"I love you still <3" HA!
Oh man I'm a jerk.

its seems that my webcam got deleted when my hard drive crashed... such a shame.

Well, I got a twitter... it feels weird.

good god woman.. take a pill!

Kasey Smith, Please marry me!

Seriously, how cute would we be together?!







Stalking you today didn't help. I now know that you use the word goody... man... I think this is love!

okay... after stalking you further, I now know that many girls are in love with you... But I'm a baker... Baker's always get the guys.











Work today was great, its 2:43 and I'm home with a clean house! Yepp. Excellent!!

Oh man, I'm sorry!

my motherly side is coming out.... this could be scary to all who remain close by, just know that I warned you.

Its been a while since I've sat down and blogged, its cause my laptop was gone. Now it's back. Just without my schoolwork, which slightly sucks.

I really wish that I had school to keep me busy this past week, I don't like it when people are grounded. 
Silly mouths, oh the trouble you cause!

Oh a side note, my Hulu queue is back down to 4!! oh stinking yeah!! (Okay, maybe that means nothing to you but its a big deal!)

Adventure time starts tomorrow!!! Whoot whoot!! So exciting!

This weekend I got to hang out with my best friend a whole stinkin lot, which was absolutely wonderful!


I have on new blogging glasses on... I'm still not sure how I feel about them, I like them as nerd glasses but I'm not sure if they are really best for blogging.


Plus, while I was on the phone with my wonderful boyfriend I got all of the curriculum planned up until the end of july, now all I have to do is print it, which is the plan for (next week?) Hopefully. 


Tomorrow, I'm the boss at work, thats always a boatload of fun! I always get so much done when I'm the boss or my boss isn't there. Somedays I get a day "off" of work and then I get called 5 different times, but don't tell her I told you that. 

Not everything is about you. Back off