Choices: “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”

Warning:

if use of profanity offends you, 

or the use of feelings,

do not read. 

I don't like double standards.
I don't like people who promise different choices or different outcomes then take it back.

I once had a choice to tell my father I never wanted to speak to him or see him again, I made that choice.
I needed him away from my mother. I need keep my people safe. So I haven't seen him in 6 years. That was fine. That was great. No problems, no cards, I didn't give a crap.

Then the asshole died. That was sad, but overall its been frustrating.
I understand wanting to know someone that was somewhat connected to your dead brother, I understand that. Kinda, I don't have a dead brother, but I get where you are coming from. Really. I get that.
I don't know you people! I have no desire to! I'm perfectly wonderful here. I have a wonderful life. Things at home were good, things at work are okay. I'm FINE! Leave me alone! But nope, this time next week I will be packing my bags to come down there for a four days. Not that I think that's fair, but I apparently don't a choice. Or my own damn free will. Seriously, if I wasn't allowed to decide for myself what the fuck was I given a choice??

I'm going down there to meet and greet my dead father's family. Where is the desire to do that?
Where should the desire be for that? It's gonna cost us tons of money to GET there. Not for the whole trip, just to GET there. Why the fuck would we do that?!?! We could be using that money for so many other things, that's over a whole month's rent!


You JERK!
I'm sad anymore, these tears are not from sadness but from anger and relief.
I'm relived you are gone. RELIVED!
I can't remember any fond memories of you. Nothing.
So, Father, I don't know what happened to you. I don't know if I care to know.
I'm coming down there and I might die thanks to your murderous wife.
But I guess that's a chance we are apparently willing to take.
I guess we will be attending a service for you. Something small. After all, there is no body, your wife took care of that. I keep saying there isn't any part of you in me. I'm sure there is little things we have in common, my mother isn't a fan of my attitude today and she never liked yours.
It was completely too easy to hate you considering you left YOUR six kids with their mother and barely supported them. Hump em and dump em. What kind of man does that?!?! What the fuck was wrong with you!? You were all too correct about us hating you. You made that easy. You didn't try very hard. You never fought. Bastard. You spent your time beating my brother. Yelling at MY mother. People aren't allowed to hit or hurt my people. Ask anybody. I do my best to protect and care for them. So, there is no more fighting you.  You're dead. D-E-A-D! and I never said goodbye.




I'm going numb.
goodbye feelings.