Take off in less than 24 hours.

It's weird to go leave to go some place I've already decided to dislike. 

That makes this job harder.

That's what she said!!!

Yesterday I decided to be a jerk and try to scare Kameron, 

I had just scared Kourtney with Josh, it was a bonding moment, 

and kameron always has a better reaction, 

So I slowly walked out the door, 

walked around the back, 

went through the already open gate,

(oops)

and climbed the porch, like I did five minutes before

Then

A boy with a airsoft gun came straight at me.

Hop down from the porch, 

jump over the gate,

run through the front yard laughing, 

got shot twice

I bruise so stinkin easy. 

I should be packing. 

or helping. 

I'm doing neither. 

I'm rebelling, like I plan to do later. 

Can you plan to rebel??

Homeschooler.

I can't resist. 

I have an addiction. 

To be loved. 

To be held.

Is that so wrong?? 

I don't think so. 

What if I write secret messages in white?? 

That'd be funny. 

like this.

Jesse Owens, I think you are the best. 

*TICKLE*

beat you again!!! 

I like gray a lot. 

I don't know why, 

I'm scared of Sherri Bonebrake. 

TERRIFIED!!! 

the end

 

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex, A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting And I am finally seing Why I was the one worth leaving.

I leave in two days. 

I won't see Josh before I leave and neither of us like that thought. 

But I can't fix it. 

I can't fix most things these days. 

I kinda suck. 

I feel completely alone 98% of my time. 

That's no one's fault but my own. 

I won't see Josh til Thursday, well maybe Wednesday,

 but I'm in task mode on Wednesdays. 

He wanted to sneak out tonight to see me. 

I had to be an adult and tell him that wasn't okay. 

Maybe that was just the homeschooler in me. 

Teenagers do that all the time. 

It's not completely awful right?

Yes, yes it is. 

I wouldn't want my teenage son sneaking out to meet up with his girlfriend. 

I would kick his ass. 

We've fought a whole lot this week. 

He won't leave. 

When I had Rylan, he would leave, 

If I pushed hard enough he was gone for at least days at a time. 

Now, he is gone for forever. 

I pushed too hard. 

figures. 

I wanted to see him, 

really, 

I did. 

He makes it seem like I don't. 

What a fool. 

If I didn't want to be with you, 

trust me you would know it. 

Today, I meet a girl at the bookstore. 

She started talking to me and we talked about Ted Dekker, 

If it wasn't creepy I would've asked for her number,

 to become better friends. 

She was great. 

I have no idea what her name is. 

But it was fun. 

I like people. 

Well, stranger people. 

People who won't be around. 

People who leave quickly. 

I've become that type of person. 

As horrible as that is. 

I don't really wanna go. 

Everyone knows that. 

Who would really want to anyways?

I had dreams about my father all night long. 

and Rylan. 

That wasn't okay with me at all. 

I cried myself to sleep once again. 

I haven't done that since when Rylan first left. 

I miss having a fighter around. 

Someone who wouldn't just let me push them around until they apologized. 

I think God is playing tricks on me,

giving me the opposite of who I am so I can learn my flaws and 

be annoyed by them. 

Mission accomplished God! 

I push people away. Deal with it and leave already. God.

Feels utterly and completely alone.

got turned down for a boy.

should've seen that one coming.

sometimes I do it.

its not fun being on the other side.



just sayin'

Tanner Stuart. I hate you.

Choices: “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”

Warning:

if use of profanity offends you, 

or the use of feelings,

do not read. 

I don't like double standards.
I don't like people who promise different choices or different outcomes then take it back.

I once had a choice to tell my father I never wanted to speak to him or see him again, I made that choice.
I needed him away from my mother. I need keep my people safe. So I haven't seen him in 6 years. That was fine. That was great. No problems, no cards, I didn't give a crap.

Then the asshole died. That was sad, but overall its been frustrating.
I understand wanting to know someone that was somewhat connected to your dead brother, I understand that. Kinda, I don't have a dead brother, but I get where you are coming from. Really. I get that.
I don't know you people! I have no desire to! I'm perfectly wonderful here. I have a wonderful life. Things at home were good, things at work are okay. I'm FINE! Leave me alone! But nope, this time next week I will be packing my bags to come down there for a four days. Not that I think that's fair, but I apparently don't a choice. Or my own damn free will. Seriously, if I wasn't allowed to decide for myself what the fuck was I given a choice??

I'm going down there to meet and greet my dead father's family. Where is the desire to do that?
Where should the desire be for that? It's gonna cost us tons of money to GET there. Not for the whole trip, just to GET there. Why the fuck would we do that?!?! We could be using that money for so many other things, that's over a whole month's rent!


You JERK!
I'm sad anymore, these tears are not from sadness but from anger and relief.
I'm relived you are gone. RELIVED!
I can't remember any fond memories of you. Nothing.
So, Father, I don't know what happened to you. I don't know if I care to know.
I'm coming down there and I might die thanks to your murderous wife.
But I guess that's a chance we are apparently willing to take.
I guess we will be attending a service for you. Something small. After all, there is no body, your wife took care of that. I keep saying there isn't any part of you in me. I'm sure there is little things we have in common, my mother isn't a fan of my attitude today and she never liked yours.
It was completely too easy to hate you considering you left YOUR six kids with their mother and barely supported them. Hump em and dump em. What kind of man does that?!?! What the fuck was wrong with you!? You were all too correct about us hating you. You made that easy. You didn't try very hard. You never fought. Bastard. You spent your time beating my brother. Yelling at MY mother. People aren't allowed to hit or hurt my people. Ask anybody. I do my best to protect and care for them. So, there is no more fighting you.  You're dead. D-E-A-D! and I never said goodbye.




I'm going numb.
goodbye feelings.