I leave in two days.
I won't see Josh before I leave and neither of us like that thought.
But I can't fix it.
I can't fix most things these days.
I kinda suck.
I feel completely alone 98% of my time.
That's no one's fault but my own.
I won't see Josh til Thursday, well maybe Wednesday,
but I'm in task mode on Wednesdays.
He wanted to sneak out tonight to see me.
I had to be an adult and tell him that wasn't okay.
Maybe that was just the homeschooler in me.
Teenagers do that all the time.
It's not completely awful right?
Yes, yes it is.
I wouldn't want my teenage son sneaking out to meet up with his girlfriend.
I would kick his ass.
We've fought a whole lot this week.
He won't leave.
When I had Rylan, he would leave,
If I pushed hard enough he was gone for at least days at a time.
Now, he is gone for forever.
I pushed too hard.
figures.
I wanted to see him,
really,
I did.
He makes it seem like I don't.
What a fool.
If I didn't want to be with you,
trust me you would know it.
Today, I meet a girl at the bookstore.
She started talking to me and we talked about Ted Dekker,
If it wasn't creepy I would've asked for her number,
to become better friends.
She was great.
I have no idea what her name is.
But it was fun.
I like people.
Well, stranger people.
People who won't be around.
People who leave quickly.
I've become that type of person.
As horrible as that is.
I don't really wanna go.
Everyone knows that.
Who would really want to anyways?
I had dreams about my father all night long.
and Rylan.
That wasn't okay with me at all.
I cried myself to sleep once again.
I haven't done that since when Rylan first left.
I miss having a fighter around.
Someone who wouldn't just let me push them around until they apologized.
I think God is playing tricks on me,
giving me the opposite of who I am so I can learn my flaws and
be annoyed by them.
Mission accomplished God!
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