I push people away. Deal with it and leave already. God.

Feels utterly and completely alone.

got turned down for a boy.

should've seen that one coming.

sometimes I do it.

its not fun being on the other side.



just sayin'

Tanner Stuart. I hate you.

Choices: “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”

Warning:

if use of profanity offends you, 

or the use of feelings,

do not read. 

I don't like double standards.
I don't like people who promise different choices or different outcomes then take it back.

I once had a choice to tell my father I never wanted to speak to him or see him again, I made that choice.
I needed him away from my mother. I need keep my people safe. So I haven't seen him in 6 years. That was fine. That was great. No problems, no cards, I didn't give a crap.

Then the asshole died. That was sad, but overall its been frustrating.
I understand wanting to know someone that was somewhat connected to your dead brother, I understand that. Kinda, I don't have a dead brother, but I get where you are coming from. Really. I get that.
I don't know you people! I have no desire to! I'm perfectly wonderful here. I have a wonderful life. Things at home were good, things at work are okay. I'm FINE! Leave me alone! But nope, this time next week I will be packing my bags to come down there for a four days. Not that I think that's fair, but I apparently don't a choice. Or my own damn free will. Seriously, if I wasn't allowed to decide for myself what the fuck was I given a choice??

I'm going down there to meet and greet my dead father's family. Where is the desire to do that?
Where should the desire be for that? It's gonna cost us tons of money to GET there. Not for the whole trip, just to GET there. Why the fuck would we do that?!?! We could be using that money for so many other things, that's over a whole month's rent!


You JERK!
I'm sad anymore, these tears are not from sadness but from anger and relief.
I'm relived you are gone. RELIVED!
I can't remember any fond memories of you. Nothing.
So, Father, I don't know what happened to you. I don't know if I care to know.
I'm coming down there and I might die thanks to your murderous wife.
But I guess that's a chance we are apparently willing to take.
I guess we will be attending a service for you. Something small. After all, there is no body, your wife took care of that. I keep saying there isn't any part of you in me. I'm sure there is little things we have in common, my mother isn't a fan of my attitude today and she never liked yours.
It was completely too easy to hate you considering you left YOUR six kids with their mother and barely supported them. Hump em and dump em. What kind of man does that?!?! What the fuck was wrong with you!? You were all too correct about us hating you. You made that easy. You didn't try very hard. You never fought. Bastard. You spent your time beating my brother. Yelling at MY mother. People aren't allowed to hit or hurt my people. Ask anybody. I do my best to protect and care for them. So, there is no more fighting you.  You're dead. D-E-A-D! and I never said goodbye.




I'm going numb.
goodbye feelings.

i dont know who sucks more, dead people or still living people. currently annoyed with both.

"I'm sorry for your loss"

Yesterday I got of one the worst phone calls of my life. I didn't expect to be affected, I didn't expect to even care when my father died. I guess I was wrong.

There I was; standing in my boyfriend's back yard while he is in the house arguing with his mother (which was already a bad idea) talking on the phone to my mother. She asked if I was somewhere that I could hear her and then she said "I got a call today, *starts crying* from Bill, you know who that is right" "Uh, yes, Ken's brother? That Bill??" *she starts crying harder* "Yes, they found your father dead this morning."

*insert my heart falling to my stomach*

 and I start crying.. 

She continues talking about how they found him and that she never wanted to tell me over the phone but wanted me to know as soon as everyone else, asked if I wanted to come home, asked if she needed to talk to Josh.

awful moment. 

Dad,

you didn't know (few people did) but I thought about you often. I had planned to talk to you and let you know that I forgive you for all the crappy things you did, its too late now. Thanks for fixing my bike that one time, one of the few fond memories I have of you. But I kinda ruined it at the end when I called you Ken and rode off giggled at being disrespectful. What can I say? It was easy, you didn't deserve a lot with the way you treated people but it's a lot easier to like you or love you now that you are gone. I have to thank you for working so often and being gone most of my life, it gave me a loving relationship with my mother. One that many teenagers should be jealous of. I can't say that losing you is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I barely knew you. Other than knowing you were an ass to my mother, you liked those crappy "deals" people always sold you. Like Dry-Wash. That was one of the better ones. You ruined my brothers and for that I am angry. You missed out on 6 wonderful different children.

Kalvin- He is funny and bitter and one of the best friends I've ever had. You missed out by never loving who he is. 

Kendra- She is about to be a mom, of twins, you have a grand-baby in heaven, she is on her second husband. You missed both weddings, you weren't really invited but you missed out. 

Keshia-I think you wounded her more than anyone else. You should burn in hell for the wounds you gave her. 

She nannies the two best kids in the world. She is pretty good with them too. 

Kameron- He is talented. He plays music, really really well. Tons of different ones too. He doesn't deal well with death. The boys are taking this the worst.

Kourtney- haha well, Kourtney is Kourtney, she is loud and sometimes too loving. She means well though. And kids love her. Surprisingly. 

Me? Well... I will graduate in a year, I have the worlds best friend and God's cutest creation as my boyfriend. I work at my church, I think you would've been proud for that. Something. 

But overall, I think we are all a little sad that you are gone. You missed out and we might've too.