Yeah, Ninja, She looks like her daddy too.

"You always were a little runt"- Grandma 


Grandma. 
That was a funny word to write. 
Still typing that word feels like a betrayal. I don't know why. 


Daddy. 
That is an extra funny word to type. Considering I've never used it. 
But I heard it a lot these past couple of days. 
Well, "Your Daddy..." To be certain. 


I'm so glad I went, I wouldn't trade those 36ish hours for anything. I spent them where I needed to. With my family. With family my Father, my Daddy, spent time with. 
It's time to give up the wounds he caused. I forgave him a long time ago, or so I thought. 
Death is a funny thing. It changes people, not always in the best way but consider me changed. 


I had this Dad, he sucked. Like big time. 
He was wounded. 
He was wounded to the very end. 
"I said I do for the third time. This time I WILL make it work." 
He was at least trying. Something I never really saw. But that's okay. 


It's over now. 


I learned lots of things this past week. 
One. If you tell Uncle Bill you wanna drink with him, he will totally pretend to let you. 
Two. If you don't see your grandmother or uncle for 12 years, they tend to cry when they see you. 
Three. Just because your son divorces his wife and leaves his children, that doesn't have to change your feelings for them. 
Four. Missing three days or work and time with your boyfriend to fix the family that was broken. Totally worth it. 
Five. Saints won the world championship. (I'm never gonna tell Bill that I already knew that and I didn't watch the game so I could spend time with Josh.)
Six. "Would he really beat him??" "Yes" "Good, cause if he wouldn't I would come and beat his ass!"
Seven. I love my family. 
Eight. Mobile homes are freaking awesome. 
Nine. Grandmothers are so funny "Oh god! You stink!!" "No, no, no, NO posing!!. Candid pictures!"
"Did you shoot all that film up?"
Ten. You don't know what you have till its gone. Then you get family. 


I have this, I don't know what to call it. 
Whole heart?
Everything is just perfect. 
I love it. 

All the worst fathers miss out on all the greatest kids.

As I was listening to one of my wonderful loves yesterday, they were talking about how they didn't want to take what was theirs because the person they were "taking" from would be without. They deserve it much more than the people that would be without, but they don't want that. 


Fathers. 
I don't have one. 
I really don't care what other men say about it, I do NOT have one. When a man marries the woman that becomes your mother and then after they have you (and 5 other children) they divorce and completely forget about you... you no longer have a father. That's the way it works. Sorry. Wait, no I'm not. 
I knew a man once that lived in my house, kissed my mother every now and then and apparently "fathered" me. He fixed my bike once... that's about the only fatherly thing I remember. 
He currently lives in Denham Springs, LA, with his wife Deborah. I have a step-mother. One that I've never met. I haven't seen him in years. Haven't talked to him in forever either. 




Hungry for love. "Father hunger" often afflicts boys age one and two whose fathers are suddenly and permanently absent. Sleep disturbances, such as trouble falling asleep, nightmares, and night terrors frequently begin within one to three months after the father leaves home.


My best friend, she doesn't have a good father either. Never has. Her and I.. Welp, let's face it. We are getting old. We won't ever have the fathers we needed. Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would've been like to have one... I think that I just lucked out and was okay without one. I think I turned out okay. 


I know some pretty great kids that have turned out to be my favorite people in the whole stinking world and they came from the very worst fathers. I think it's karma. When you suck as a dad your kids come out the best to prove to the world that they are okay. 
Fatherless people are fighters. I would know. 
I tend to throw a lot of punches, I threw several tonight. 


I dare to say that I am completely free of the father wounds.. That may not be true, I think they are more like healing scars. They aren't open wounds and they can't really be re-opened unless serious tugging was happening to them. I would also dare to say that I deal with males okay.. well for a fatherless child. 


What happens to those children that don't have the strength to defend themselves? 
What happens to the mothers that don't stand up for their children? How do they live? 


Suicidal Tendencies. In a study of 146 adolescent friends of 26 adolescent suicide victims, teens living in single-parent families are not only more likely to commit suicide but also more likely to suffer from psychological disorders, when compared to teens living in intact families.


I have to admit that when one of my favorites talked about how they couldn't take the things they deserved from their father because they couldn't have him be without... It was heart wrenching. THAT'S SELFLESSNESS! 
You gotta love that kid. It's incredibly hard not to. I just had to give in and love him. It's much funner this way. 


Sexual abuse. A study of 156 victims of child sexual abuse found that the majority of the children came from disrupted or single-parent homes; only 31 percent of the children lived with both biological parents. Although stepfamilies make up only about 10 percent of all families, 27 percent of the abused children lived with either a stepfather or the mother's boyfriend.


I've got this friend that is unbelievably amazing, she has been through buttloads of crap and continues on her way. Life sucks a lot. People are jerks and she is still here. She's my hero. 


High risk. Fatherless children are at dramatically greater risk of suicide.


I've knew too many people who have killed themselves because of different reasons. Sadly this is the first time I've cried about some of them. I am ashamed about that. I wonder what it would be like if they had their father? Would they still be here? Oh the questions that will never be answered.